In the Midst of a Dangerous Mood

I knew it when I woke up that it was going to be one of those days that salty-dog mariners fear, a really blustery, emotional day. A scary monster-in-the-closet day, full of highs and lows and no in-betweens. I had incredibly bizarre and upsetting dreams, involving hair-color changes, Porsche Boxsters and my loss of control of my universe.

I credit this to not having my customary cookies and milk.

Anyway, I could feel tide changes in my blood and the wind was absolutely howling through my brain cells today. I was angry and sad and confused and just not in good spirits at all.

So, on a day like this, I knew I had to step outside of myself and become someone else to get through this 12 hours of turmoil. I needed to change something. I know it's part of the artist persona to do dramatic things, and Lord knows I've done some fairly impulsive this-and-thats.

I bought a box of hair color, intent on re-blonding myself, to help the transition from the previous scary-monster-in-the-closet day when I first moved back to Florida and colored my hair to brown back to it's natural state of gray. But, I hesitated. I'll give it a couple of days, I thought.

I bought a couple of new blouses, and even some Italian sandals. Didn't work.

Then I thought back to a couple of rough-and-tumble times in my life, one where I had a life-changing disappointment in love and drove non-stop from my home in Ocala to Key West, to the very last foot of Mile Marker 0 and drank in a little motel bar until I could barely stand. I vowed to never give up hope, and to try to stay happy above all else. After I was sober and in my right mind, I got a tattoo of a swallow on my wrist to commemorate the epiphany. Swallows in the tattoo world mean hope, and they so closely resemble bluebirds, they also incorporate the meaning of happiness. Sea-faring sailors routinely had swallows tattooed on their bodies, as they also meant good fortune and fair weather. I drew one on my arm, and the artist completed the task in indelible ink. As Buffett sings, it became a "permanent reminder of a temporary feeling." No regrets, even to this day. It's a pretty little tattoo, and I love it still.

Four months before my former husband completely destroyed my dreams, we both got tattoos of my art gallery's logo on our ankles. I considered that a renewed commitment, and I was sorely mistaken. Betrayed, I would say. I take no solace in the fact that he carries the same tattoo on his left ankle for eternity and that it forever reminds him of what used to be "us."

Well, maybe I am a little smug about it.

Growth comes in all forms. My heart has been touched by many things – the smallest gestures of someone reaching for my hand to the grandoise acts of my family in their unfailing support. But, each person's journey is an individual one and can only be completed by them. I, now more than ever, believe in the power of integrity and honor. I believe that I need to be stronger now and have more courage than I have ever had before.

So, one guess. Yep.

Let me just say that I love my new tattoo. I drove up to St. Augustine with my kid and we found Ms. Deborah's Fountain of Youth Tattoo Parlor on Lemon Street, right off Ponce de Leon. It was a classic establishment, with every square inch painted ungodly colors and laced with religious icons and tribal masks from Thailand to China. There were racks and racks of tattoos to choose from, but of course, as usual, I brought my own – Calico Jack Rackham's pirate flag. I could go into the whole history of the gentleman pirate, but we'll save that for another blog.

Anyway, I wanted just the icon of the double cutlasses with the skull, and I had printed it exactly the size I wanted it. I was introduced to Jesse Britton, a tattoo artist with a huge amount of tribal work and a couple of the most amazing ear piercings I've ever seen. After having two tattoos done already, with a minimal to moderate level of skill, I was a little nervous about having this small a tattoo done, with the intensity of detail and one small slip...after all, there were curved cutlasses and teeth....this man, this Jesse Britten, created this tattoo in less than ten minutes and not only is it outstandingly perfect, it is positioned exactly where it needs to be. Easily covered by most blouses, including tank tops, and away from the bra strap, which would have irritated the hell out of my raw skin.

The tattoo is one and one-half inches in width, all black, and sits right above my heart. It represents, to me, that integrity and honor of the brethren and the courage it took to fight their own battles against nature and the fallacy of human laws. I've been a pirate at heart my whole life, and it seemed an appropriate time to honor that. My life has been a journey, and my body a journal. I have scars and freckles and wrinkles forged by time and age – and now a brand new tattoo by an incredible artist from my favorite Florida city.

It is so appropriate. And I sure hope it's the last one. Whew.