'Tis the Season

You know, I've had a feeling of malaise for a couple of weeks now, maybe even a month.

I've imagined stomach and colon cancer, tumors in my brain, pneumonia...but I've finally hit on the true cause of my stomach ickies, my constant headache, my stuffiness every morning...it's depression.

It's the holidays. I thought I could enjoy them more once I didn't have them rammed down my throat three months in advance. I don't have to hear Elvis coming back from the very,very dead singing "Blue Christmas," or the Chipmunks, insanely screaming about hula-hoops while drugged out on helium, over and over and over (and over) again.

I'm one of those people like really enjoy choosing my festivities. On my terms.

And I honestly have been enjoying the holidays this year. I've put up a tree (first one in three years), I am listening to Mannheim Steamroller (Christmas edition, of course) and I've been traipsing around stores like a personal shopper for the Rich and Unfriendly.

But, I'm turning 60 this year, and my birthday happens to be in December. It's messing with my holidays. Any other birthday, I would be okay, but this is the BIG 60. It's ancient. It's old. It's too old. I don't FEEL 60. Well, maybe I do sometimes. But mostly, I don't.

I mean, who doesn't want to turn the clock back a few years (or, in my case, a lot of years) when they get To This Point?

It's not that I haven't been a lot of places or done a lot of things. It's not like there won't be more of the same. I'm just a little weirded out by the whole 60-years-old thing.

Like getting "friended" by your ex-hubby's new romantic partner on Facebook weirded out. Slightly unsettling, but "hey, let's see where this goes." After all, I've always been open-minded. I'm just not ready for the neck wrinkles or the age spots.

So, I'm pretty sure all my ailments are a direct result of being 60 years on this planet. Slightly to the downhill side of mid-century. At least that's what I'm telling myself. Meanwhile, I'm eating Tums like candy, taking Excedrin with my morning coffee and avoiding alcohol like it was rat  poison to avoid any crying jags.

Happy holidays.