Just One of Those Things

Lordy, me and landscaping will always wrestle with each other.

My hubby created a berm in the front yard, against my loud protestations, which included a few colorful phrases that sailors don't even voice for fear the devil will take them right then and there. He created it primarily because we needed a parking spot for LuLuBelle, my mosaic art van, so my rantings went unheard by the man with the shovel. He piled up all the dirt into a thick, winding mound that he said would provide "an interesting landscaping feature."

Two years later, it now has two plumeria (which are little more than sticks with three or four leaves), my beautiful Alexandria palms I nourished in pots for five years (they love their new location as they are now almost six feet tall), several birds of paradise and a couple of random red plants of indeterminate lineage (which I have tried to let die on at least two occasions). Oh, and the yucca plants given to me by my neighbor (also which I tried to let die but, unfortunately, they are thriving).

I have struggled out there with mulch (two color varieties), pine bark and stone. Nothing looked right. Not to mention I planted three Dune Daisy plants I scavenged from a nearby median, and they overtook the entire mound over a period of six months. Finally, the plants got so old they literally died out overnight and I was left with straggly little plants and a whole lot of weeds and grass.

I went out there and weeded the entire mound on not one, but five occasions. That's when I decided to buy shell. Shell was what would look the best there. It would be white in color, showing off the new plantings, it would accent the green yard and offset all the brown of the existing pine bark in the other beds in the front. And besides, I live by the ocean - what better than shell?

I called a company specializing in all things mulch and rock, and ordered what the girl explained to me was "crushed shell," which was white and would be what I was looking for. I looked up crushed shell on the Internet, and yep - crushed shell. All shells. It was lightweight, covered large areas for little cost and there was a photo of a berm in a yard, with tropical plantings...with crushed shell. Perfect.

It came to me in a huge dump truck. I was so excited, and the delivery charge was more than the product charge (I bought two tons, because I knew I would love it and want to use it in the back yard, too). Here's where the story changes drastically from Cinderella to Wicked Witch.

The driver started dumping a huge pile of ugly gray crap onto the tarp I had laid out on the driveway. I screamed NO...and he finished before he climbed out of the truck. Several more anguished screams of no, no, no....he showed me the ticket..."crushed shell." I explained he needed take the Ugly Gray Crap (notice the caps because it's still living in my driveway and might become a permanent feature, meaning I will never drive my Jeep again) back to it's evil den, but he said he couldn't and I'd have to take up the issue of "crushed shell" not looking remotely like shells with the owner.

Turns out "round these parts," crushed shell is a synonym for "stupid ugly gray crap made from recycled concrete and shells." It dries a muddy white color, if it ever dries at all. It looks like I've put foam all around my landscape. It's primary use is for paving base and driveways. And it looks like it's hardening...

Needless to say, after a lengthy text messaging rant and subsequent phone call, the company I bought the Ugly Gray Crap from tore up my check and did not charge me. I'm stuck with a ton of Ugly Gray Crap, but at least the sting of paying for the stuff isn't painful. And, my husband is rolling off with a trailer to pick me up some real shell from another company tomorrow, and he and the neighbors will wheel-barrow all the dirt off the driveway, so I'll be happy and stop whimpering. I'm sure it will end up in a pile in the back yard, but it's just an excuse for me to put in yet another patio (with the perfect paving base).