I'm a big one on knowing your own worth, but let me tell you, I've had struggles and I still wrassel with some hefty bouts of uncomfortable self-doubt.
Most of the feelings come from within, and not from any outside source. Hell, if I let people and what they say or do against me cause me grief, I'd be living in a cave, eating crickets, wallowing around in a big pool of salty tears.
I've been betrayed by someone I trusted with my soul, I've been laughed at because of my constant state of being over my "ideal weight for my height" set by some percentages lab in the middle of fucking Mars and I have been told by some that their first-grader could create the same type of art that I do.
I've overcome the worrisome soul betrayal, and could give a flip as to how much I weigh, as long as I still feel healthy and my cholesterol and blood sugar are in an acceptable range. But the art thing still get some sometimes.
"Why, my little Joey did that same thing in first grade. See, Joey? You did that same art in school." Yes m'am. Your little Joey could be a gypsy artist like me, up at the crack of Before Dawn, working on art that she can get up on a weekend at the crack of Extremely Early and Way, Way Before Dawn to drive three hours (in the dark), set up a tent, panels, hang art (that her 7- year-old could do), stand and talk to people all day in cold, wind, heat and rain, for two solid 8-hour days – then break everything down, haul it to a van, drive the van back in the dark and count out $300 of profit, and sometimes less. Not bad for one weekend "of doing nothing but sitting in a chair and watching people stroll by,"but not enough to pay the bills on a consistent basis. Not to mention if you still maintain a 40-hour work week, or if you're sick that weekend, or if you have wind gusts of 25+ mph which threaten your whole livelihood. Or, if your van breaks down, or you don't have the money to pay for the next show. It's a job, folks. Just saying. Just like your job is your job. Oh, and can I throw in the fact that I have to make all of the art, too? Yes, let's not leave that part out. No, m'am, little Joey could not do what I do. Point little Joey in the direction of construction management or accounting. Now there are two jobs that will pay him well and he won't have to get up too early on weekends. I am an artist, a gypsy artist, who relies on showing her work at festivals because it is MY JOB. And, I love it. I hope little Joey loves his.
The first law of karma states that you will reap only what you sow. Therefore, I am kind, I try to help injured animals and I don't start any drama if I can help it. I'm generous when I am able to be, both with time and money. I keep bitterness at arm's length, I try to listen to others when they speak and offer answers and advice when I am asked. I practice compassion daily. I endeavor to understand situations and try to be silent when angered. I am grateful and humbled every time I see the sun rise.
I also know what I am worth. I have tested my mettle, so to speak. Over the years, I have been morally tested on occasions (thank goodness for growing up with integrity as a fail-safe, built-in particle of DNA) and I have worked three jobs to add up to one full-time pay check. I have raised a child on my own, been on welfare and eaten two-for-one hotdogs at gas stations as a means of survival. Let me tell you, I used to sneak in myself and my daughter into the local Holiday Inn every other Sunday morning for the free breakfasts. No-one questions a mother in pajama pants, holding a child (also still in pajamas), as to whether or not she has a room key. And, this was still in the day when going to happy hour at the local pub meant, for the price of an Old Milwaukee draught, you could eat at the free appetizer table. Ramen noodles were soup (and entree and dessert) du jour many nights at the homestead. Put a little soy sauce in them and use beef broth instead of water - yummy factor goes way up.
I've scraped myself up from hurtful relationships, and always kept my sense of direction. When I hit rock-bottom, I had people in my life who would be there for me in so many ways.
I do know my self-worth because I have had to rely on loving myself enough to rise above my demons. I've got hospital scars, emotional scars and some things so deep they will always be locked up in a metal box, in the crevices of my brain. All of the experts in psychology urge people to love themselves enough to make whatever changes in their lives and their way of thinking to enable and empower themselves to love themselves first, and all others second, and I have to agree. If you do not put yourself first in your mind, you will start to absorb all of the bad things others say to you and about you. You will continue to do more and more for others, and not do anything to make yourself better or stronger or happier. When you become a victim, you cease to be of use. You start to create drama so that you will become less invisible to those whom you seek attention from most of all.
To some, this will seem selfish. Big difference between selfish and self-worth. Selfish is drinking the last of the orange juice and putting the empty bottle back in the fridge when you don't live alone. Because, if you lived alone, you'd throw the bottle away. But if you live with others, putting the empty bottle back just means that you took all the orange juice, you know you did and you don't care. Self-worth is knowing that you need time for yourself, to sit and think, to create a nest of your own or to bask in the sun a little during the day when you can. Self-worth is caring, selfishness is the exact opposite.
So, I challenge every one of you who takes the time to read this, to examine your own self-worth, and to determine where your levels are, and how to improve them. To examine the first law of karma in relationship to your own world. To work on improving if you honestly feel you need to clean up a couple of rough spots. I want every one of you to feel worthy.
Because, you are.
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