The Conundrum of Water Hoses

Laugh if you must, but I have a particular aversion to water hoses.

I've bought at least 50 in my lifetime, and not a damn one of them, yea, verily I say nary a one, was worth the time it took to haul it up to the cashier and buy it.

The last one I made a decision to purchase has changed my whole outlook on back-yard water hoses.

I have had countless "green" ones, in every length they are made in. You know, the cheap $20 ones that either kink up immediately after taking the packaging off, rolling into little kink balls like gray pill-bugs after a storm or the "kink-less" variety, which is false advertising to the highest degree. They all kink up. I've laid them out in the hot Florida sun, in one long length, looking ever so much like a firehouse hose exercise, just to get it to the point that I could roll it up on the hose hanger in some sort of orderly fashion. Of course, when I turn the water on, and start unraveling the hose to use it, it bends into five or six right angles everywhere, necessitating the dreaded "put-the-sprayer-down-and-unkink" walk of anguish. Flipping it around just kinks it up even more.

Then I bought a "commercial-grade" hose, which must have weighed 65 pounds, if an ounce. This was for a 50-foot hose, that never unraveled from 25 feet. And it never, ever got used without one kink somewhere along the line. So, partially because of weight and partially because I was trying to keep the hose from kinking, I chopped the bloody thing in half, refitted another hose end on it and used it until I was totally exasperated with the thing.

So then I went straight off the deep end and bought the "As-Seen-On-TV" version of the crinkly-green earthworm advertised as a hose. Expands, contracts and doesn't kink. Lightweight. Came in a box the size of a hosiery packet.

For the first two weeks I was hooked. It had issues, such as it was small in diameter when expanded, so not much water for jet-cleaning pool decks, lizard poop off window sills and the like. But, it was magical in the way it contracted back to a piece of yard when the water was off. I was convinced that I had found the solution to all of the problems I had with other hoses.

Until it ripped a seam.

Suddenly, a gusher started appearing mid-way into the hose, and I had no water pressure at all. I thought about what I could do to save my little green earthworm hose, but nothing was going to work. You can't use a hose repair kit, because the ends of this hose go into a flattened crimping piece, which isn't sold anywhere that I could find. Plumbing tape, electrical tape, and sewing it back didn't work. The power of Niagara Falls went through that hose, and once broken, never repaired.

So, I'm on the sixth hose I have purchased in three years. I went to Home Depot, and credit card in hand, bought a Goodyear Flex-Hose. It's also fabric, but really heavy-duty, and amazingly lightweight. It expands, but never stays flat, and doesn't crinkle up. And it's black, not neon green.
It's a 5/8-inch diameter, so water comes out sufficiently enough to blast mold off the deck chairs.

I am also happy to report that this hose has NEVER kinked up. As in not once. It did fake me out with a kink, but a simple flip of the hose, and it's gone. It rolls up perfectly, and since I no longer have a metal hose hanger, does not appear to have any possibilities of ripping a seam. It cost $32, so if it craps out after a year or so, I'll have to have another rant, but so far, so good. And, I'm waiting until I can go get another one of these babies for the front yard.

As for the green crinkly hose, I threw it in the trash, but my husband, who is as near to a hoarder as I have seen, promptly pulled it out and threw it in the shed. I guess you cut cut the ends off and use it as a boat rope...